The Gift of Love
It seems every day there is something that reminds me that I am getting older; whether it’s a physical problem, a nice middle-aged woman calling me sir, my tendency to tell dad jokes that I would have shied away from twenty years ago, or the constant mailers I get from AARP; all the signs are there. And I am not alone. The US is experiencing a rapid aging of our population. With birth rates that are below what is necessary to maintain our population numbers (our birth rate is 151st in the world) and life expectancy, as of 2023, having increased to 80.8 years, the US is witnessing a growing percentage of citizens who would be defined as elderly. In fact, the percentage of people now over 65 years of age is roughly 16.8% of the US population; that number is expected to increase, in the coming years, to one in five Americans over the age of 65.
It is an undisputable fact as a country, we are getting older. What I am wondering is how do we, as a society, and on an individual basis treat our elderly. Admittedly, when you begin to consider life as an older person, as I am, the question of how we treat “mature” people becomes more pressing. But that isn’t the origin of my thoughts.
Last week I heard a physician say that if an elderly person has help from their kids and grandkids, they are lucky, as in his experience, most family members don’t really engage in actively helping their aged relatives. I didn’t know how to react to that statement, and it led me to wonder, is he correct? Are we failing to provide care for those who have cared for us?
It is commonly accepted that eastern cultures with their roots in Buddhism, and Confucianism hold their elders in high regard, valuing their wisdom and experience and thus treating them with the highest level of respect. Native Americans also consider their elders to have a special role in their society and treat them as such.
Let me acknowledge, my emphasis on this topic ignores the government’s role in supporting aged Americans. That topic is a whole other area to consider and frankly, full of political noise. It’s not that it isn’t important, and maybe ignoring it is foolish, but I believe we’re responsible for our own actions, and so I am most interested in thinking about how we act in our lives when faced with the need to support our parents.
I don’t know how to adequately characterize, in a general sense, how we are doing caring for our elders. I admit it is hard, no it is damn hard, to be a caregiver for someone who needs a significant level of care, or more dramatically, constant care. The need for assisted living and facilities to manage the daily needs of the elderly is real, and in time many people will need to reside in one of those homes. But not everyone reaches that point, nor is everyone best suited to live outside their home or that of their loved ones.
Which brings me to my primary focus. I do not understand the tenants of the eastern religions, and I don’t believe I need to, to recognize the wisdom and value of the people who have been here before us. There is so much to be learned. Depending on their age, they lived through the Second World War, the cold war, the Vietnam War, major changes in civil rights, technology advancements –that seem trivial today—but were life altering to them, and, generally speaking, a life that was harder than the one we experience today; not to mention they have raised kids, built a career, and managed life. I have found that, if I am fortunate enough to spend time with them, I learn things, or appreciate things differently. Time spent talking to someone who is more experienced than you; well, that is time well-spent.
I have heard it said that history repeats itself. At times I believe this, and others I don’t. What I do accept is that history teaches us, it allows us to frame today’s environment to a prior time. I believe we are better off if we consider the past when processing today. What better source to do that, than someone who lived in the past? Obviously, some of what our elders might believe only serves as a reminder of what we should avoid, or why the world has evolved for the better. That’s all part of it. Not all advice is good, not all experience is to be repeated, and not all people are to be followed. But it is likely you can learn something from everyone.
I worry about our aging population. They are lonelier than at any other time before, more isolated. It feels like as a society we are so consumed with advancing our own existence that we fail to slow down and make time for our parents. It isn’t just about the cursory, obligatory visit. It is about a willingness to actively participate in their lives and provide for them an environment where they live their remaining days in dignity.
I am afraid we have become so transactional that we are losing our ability to be human. When I talk to friends about their parents, often the conversation leads to them describing how they are figuring out the step they can take to create a better situation. The answers seem less focused on accepting reality and loving unconditionally, and more on solving a problem and moving on. I don’t think people are cold, I just worry too many of us have lost our sense of time and priorities.
We are all going to die, and statistically most of us will live years beyond our most active times and material contributions to the economy. What should we expect? I hope we can count on something more connected and caring than what we seem to be currently giving our older generations.
I understand it is hard. In fact, I think it can be awful to care for a parent who is more like a child than the adult who raised you. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest roles you can accept. There is nothing easy about it. However, it can be rewarding, it can be inspirational, and it can be the best way to spend your time.
I believe we owe our loved one’s respect and dignity. We owe them more than phone calls to check on them and twice a year trip to see them for four days. We owe them the care they gave us when we were unable to care for ourselves.
We owe them the gift of love.
