Life Isn’t Fair

It took me a long time to realize life isn’t fair, it took me longer to accept that fact. I was raised, much like, I assume most of you, to believe I had complete control over my future; if I worked hard, and did the right things, everything would be dandy. It was quite a shock when the real world slapped me in the face to point out that isn’t always the case.

The best team doesn’t always win, working harder than your competitor doesn’t mean you will prevail, bad things happen to good people, good things happen to be bad people, sometimes dumb decisions work out and great decisions fail, unjust edicts are made that alter lives, well-intended choices go sideways, and occasionally no matter what you do, it is wrong. That’s just the way it is.

After years of considering the ebbs and flows of life I have concluded that life is more random than we want to admit; it is scary to accept that our existence isn’t exclusively our purview, but if we are honest with ourselves, it is a reasonable conclusion. Many Christians believe everything is divinely pre-ordained; interestingly this is an admission that their lives our predefined and thus if you unpack it, could be described as random to the person living it. When a tragedy strikes, you will hear the afflicted say, “it was God’s plan.” A humble admission that isn’t always easy to make; after all something terrible has happened that was likely unexpected. Accepting that the outcome was beyond their control allows for some measure of comfort; you can see why that belief supports healing.

Interestingly, the same approach offers guidance for those who accept the randomness of life. You don’t have to espouse a belief in pre-ordination to face random outcomes with an acceptance that whatever has happened is just part of life; or as I have often said, “it is what it is.” Anyone who has experienced a lifetime of ups and downs and fluctuations in luck will likely tell you, without shame, that the world can deliver anything, at any time.

As I think about it, there are some who seem to process random bad luck as a personal reflection that they are always drawing bad cards and are therefore constantly a victim; we all know those people, they seem to find a cloud in every silver lining and exist with a Pig Pen cloud floating above their head in perpetuity.

There are also those, and they are the most annoying, who have lived their lives in relative calm and outsized luck, and yet, can’t seem to understand how lucky they are. I don’t begrudge these people at all; I am happy for them. However, I would suggest they should be the humblest among us, but as you well know, they are often the most arrogant and cocky. We have seen it, someone who seemingly everything they touch works out perfectly, never a misstep; life is one big celebration of their glorious achievements, implying all that they have done was a result of their brilliance. It just doesn’t work that way; buried deep in their history they did stupid things; they just were lucky enough not to pay a price for it, yet. Sadly, eventually people who have lived life without random problems sidetracking them, are on borrowed time, life catches up with all of us.

Setting aside the perpetually miserable victims, and the never wrong overachievers, where does that leave the rest of us? It means we live life, fully. It doesn’t mean we walk an easy path; to the contrary, life is hard and full of twists and turns. Think about it, without much effort you can grab a moment in your life when you were on the wrong side of something, and it wasn’t fair; I can do that all day long. When I was younger, I would stew on this, and it would drive me crazy. I would watch others who seemingly had an easier path to success and wonder what was wrong with me. I watched people who lived unhealthy lives live long lives, only to watch family members who didn’t do any of the things that are supposed to kill us, die at an early age. At times I grew bitter and angry; occasionally it motivated me, other times I was deflated.

In time I have come to accept the randomness of life; to embrace that much of what I do can go wrong. It is humbling for me to come to this place, but it is more peaceful. Sometimes I like to reflect on all I have done, and it brings me some measure of pride, and then I remember some of my success was luck, some of my worst days worked out and some of my best efforts failed miserably. In fact, my ability to predict what an outcome might be at the time I was engaged in it wasn’t as high as I would have concluded at the time. There was too much variability in what might or might not happen.

Sports are a great place to unpack this idea. I have heard college football coaches say close games will often come down to ten to twelve plays a game; the problem is you don’t know which plays those will be. In a perfect world, the winner would be decided in favor of the team with the most talent, preparation and execution; but that isn’t always the case. Crazy stuff happens all the time, an injury can change things, a bad call from an official, an unexpected mistake by a player, or an unbelievably amazing play, that could never be repeated, might change the outcome. Said differently when you compete and most things are equal, luck plays a huge role in the outcome.

I was taught to believe that you make your own luck; it sounds nice and is generally true; it isn’t, however, absolute; not even close. If you have been in the arena and fought for something with all you have, you will quickly learn that luck isn’t automatically given to the hardest worker.

I am writing about this, because I have begun to find more peace in understanding the beauty of the ups and downs of life. I find comfort in releasing my failures; I find more peace in relinquishing my pride in my successes; all of it is what it is. I could write a book about the things I did great that turned out terrible, and the times I wasn’t particularly impressive, and things worked out.

I am also writing this for my kids and grandkids. The pressure I felt as a young adult to achieve great things relying on my effort pales to what today’s youth feel. I don’t know why it is more, I really don’t. On some level, I think it is because for most of us, relative to prior generations, life in the US has been damn easy, and our youth see us walking around acting like our efforts have created everything without randomness; that is a terrible message to project. I would rather let my kids and grandkids know I failed and succeeded based on my efforts and innumerable factors out of my control and that if they live life to the fullest, they will too. I would rather them know right now that life isn’t fair and that is okay. It isn’t supposed to be fair; it is supposed to be lived.