Criticism

I was young, eager, and willing to try anything.  It was my first job out of college, and I wanted to prove my worth to my new employer.  I was a pharmaceutical representative and was expected to call on practicing physicians.  That meant, an inexperienced 22-year-old would be alone talking to internists, cardiologists, and psychiatrists.  It was intimidating but I figured I could do it.  I knew how to build relationships and talking to people had never been a big problem.  My confidence didn’t last long.  My boss was adamant that I would use probing questions to sell our products, and the questions he had me practicing sounded stupid.  Almost immediately, I was wondering if I was a fit at this company.  Could I really ask questions to educated clinicians that made me seem clueless?

I was ready to find another job when I said to my boss, “I can’t do this, I sound so fake, it’s not me.”  He looked at me and smiled a knowing smile.  “Michael, you can ask anybody any question if they believe you really care about the answer and what they have to say.”  He wasn’t suggesting staged sincerity, he was teaching me about the power of engaged listening.

I think about his admonition frequently.  It was 35 years ago, and I have never forgotten it.  It was sage advice, and I am glad I listened.

Over time I have come to understand that caring about another’s opinion, even if it entails asking seemingly foolish questions, signals to the other person that you care what they have to say and there is a potential for a more meaningful conversation. 

More than the opportunity to have a thoughtful discussion, the skill of actively listening provides you the ability to offer a friend or colleague sincere feedback without being offensive. There is an old expression that loosely says, “they don’t care what you know, until they know that you care.”  There is truth to that.  It is also true that you can say almost anything to someone if they know your sincere, and your motivation is pure.  You can tell your spouse, when they ask, the outfit they’re wearing isn’t working, assuming they believe you’re wanting them to feel good and look their best.  But if your observation is petty or mean, it likely won’t be well received. 

Lately, I have noticed people actively offering their opinion, with little regard to whether it was sought, warranted, or hurtful.  Maybe it’s just me, but it seems our society has decided it’s okay to say whatever we want, feelings be damned.  I am starting to wonder what is motivating people to suddenly feel empowered to judge anyone, on any topic, even if they are out of their wheelhouse. 

I guess sometimes it is their intent to hurt others.  Think about it.  We have all witnessed harsh criticism levied on another or even experienced it ourselves.  It is clear from the beginning, the person delivering their view isn’t concerned in the end about the well-being of anyone but themselves.  Their agenda isn’t based on love, or caring; it’s based on meanness.  It feels like the height of self-absorption.  These people are toxic, and they are everywhere.  So much so, lately, I have been making a concerted effort to avoid, if not eliminate them from my life.  It is a work in progress.

I have also been working to identify those whose criticism is obviously driven by their own personal gain and their need to elevate themselves.  At times this is harder to notice, but it is still prevalent.  One the one hand I understand why someone tries to diminish another to enhance their own standing; we are after all a product of a society that likes to compete, and capitalism is our foundational economic principle.   However, looking at it from a different angle, the question becomes, if you are the recipient of criticism, how should you respond?  If it is inevitable and common, what should you do about it?  That’s a good question that is worth considering.  Obviously, you can’t turn a blind eye to everything, become a recluse, and ignore all observations.  That feels like a recipe for living alone on your own mountaintop.  You also can’t let people’s comments consume your mind, nor alter you.  This has become a delicate balance for me personally, and one I frequently think about. 

If I am being completely honest, criticism has always stung me, and I have been the recipient of more than my fair share.  Maybe most of it was justified.  I haven’t always been easy to deal with.  Nevertheless, you would think someone who endures a lot of pointed feedback would handle it better.  Historically, I haven’t been able to do that.  Thankfully, I think that is changing.  Recently, I have come to accept my internal consternation is based on my core desire to please people.  It is silly I know, but I used to think if I wasn’t pleasing someone, that was all about me.

Age is teaching me I had it all wrong.  I am starting to understand that people’s reaction to you is often a reflection of their own issues, life, circumstances, or personality.  Taken further, just because someone else feels the need to judge everything about you doesn’t mean you should internalize what they say and give it oxygen. 

Again, finding a balance between ignoring everything and being impacted each time, feels like an ongoing struggle and challenge.  Chalk it up to one of life’s many recurring opportunities.  I suspect you can get it right most of the time, but I also think you can be wrong your fair share. 

On a less personal note, over the last several months I have been watching “Beat Bobby Flay” the cooking show on the Food Network.  It is a fun show.  It is entertaining and sometimes I even learn a trick or two that might help in the kitchen.  What I don’t like is the end of the show.  When the panel of three expert judges are asked to choose the winner and provide feedback on the dishes.  Their comments feel contrived and typically come off as condescending.  The last episode I watched one the judges complained the dish lacked personality.  The next judge said, “the presentation is great, the flavor outstanding, the preparation perfect, but the dish lacks context.”  What the hell does that mean?  I don’t want my food to have personality or context.  I want it to taste good.  I want to enjoy the meal and not take everything so seriously. 

It’s a silly example, I know, but the world seems to be full of people who want to demonstrate their value by critiquing others and offering observations that aren’t meaningful.  How have we reached the point where gratuitous opinions are valued and honored, and those who strive for something meaningful are diminished by those in the cheap seats? 

I have said it before, and I will say it again.  The smartest people I know don’t try to show you how smart they are, they seek to get smarter by understanding what someone else knows.

The proliferation of social media, the ability to offer opinions of others in relative obscurity, the financial rewards for creating content that is provocative and even controversial, has opened the door for people to say whatever they want to say.  Does this reflect the growing isolation people have in their lives and a deep ceded growing insecurity.  I don’t know, but it is worth wondering if a person’s need to judge and criticize is often driven by their own lack of confidence and the need to make themselves feel more worthy.   

I guess as I get older, I become more pollyannish about how we should communicate.  Remember when your best friend was the person who could tell you the most delicate things, and you loved them for it? Remember when you could do your thing, whatever it was and not worry about how people would react?  I do.

I recently published my first book, “Mom’s Diary”.  I sought and received lots of feedback from people I trust and who have years of writing experience.  The one recurring advice I received, “get ready for the harsh things readers will say about you and your work.”  Kind of sad.  But it is the world we live in.

Like many things I frequently think about, this is another example of something that isn’t clear, and doesn’t have absolute answers.  What I have concluded is all I can do is strive to avoid being the person who judges gratuitously (no one is perfect, and I am sure I will fail at this).  I can also ensure that when I am receiving criticism, I give it a moment to consider whether I can learn from it, and if I can, endeavor to give it valuable headspace.  However, if the feedback isn’t valuable, I need to cast it aside and proceed ahead.   

Thinking with this focus is already making me feel better.

I look forward to your feedback.  😊