Movin On
As you know, I typically write about random thoughts that cross my mind within my daily life; and there are plenty of things to explore. Today, however, is different. My topic today is more driven by a nagging thought I have about anger; mine, and others. People seemed pissed all the time. It doesn’t take much effort to stumble across someone in a foul mood who is glad to share their misery. Personal anger has grown at epic levels and is widespread.
As I have occasionally wondered to myself, what is causing this, I have also begun to explore what causes me to get mad, emotional, or angry. I don’t think I get upset like I used to; I guess maturity (or fatigue) has resulted in lowering my temper. And yet, it makes me mad to see so many people be mad. I don’t get it. It is as though people look for reasons to be upset. And it’s as though I still fall victim to bouts of unfocused and unnecessary anger.
On a broader level I recognize that, in addition to the anxiety that comes from engaging with an angry person, emotional communication thwarts thoughtful productive conversations. When I am agitated and the other person is equally annoyed, it is hard for the discussion to be about more than winning. And that really is the point. As a society, we are so obsessed with winning, and so ill-equipped to constructively interact, too many topics aren’t resolved or considered; they are fought over.
I have come to accept that there isn’t much hope that people will not pick fights with each other. It seems to be the norm. It is also the norm for people to react aggressively. Because of this I am working on not letting others impact me and how I think. I can’t control how other people act, but I have a chance to control how I act.
I was once told that being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies. Doesn’t sound positive and it isn’t. Nevertheless, over the years I have harbored bitter feelings about people and my perception of what they did. Not healthy, not smart, and time for me to change. No more can I allow someone (who isn’t thinking about me or my issues) to influence my feelings or anger. It is stupid to give someone else that kind of power.
If you are wondering what led me to go here, it was a call I had with an individual generally connected to my business. He is not my favorite person and I dread whenever I must talk to him. Each time I am about to speak with him I prepare myself and develop a plan to not get bothered, and sadly almost every time he rubs me wrong; really wrong. He is a miserable person, but this isn’t about him. It is about me.
Tuesday, I lost my cool and told him what I have wanted to say for some time. The next day, I heard from a friend that he had spoken with my annoying business associate and wanted to tell me something. Dreading to hear my friend’s feedback I was shocked and dismayed at what he said. He told me the guy that sent me over the edge enjoyed the call. Turns out he finds it fun to annoy and push people. During his replay of the call, he acknowledged he was occasionally a jerk, but also stated he didn’t care. To him it was fun to upset someone and get them angry.
That was an eye-opening revelation. Without much resistance on my part, I unwillingly gave him power over me, the ability to affect my day, and joy. What a disappointing thought. He is not worthy of any of that, but again that isn’t the point.
The point is, I nor any of you, can impact how others act, what they do, say, or believe. Fixing your happiness or your level of emotional anger on someone else is destined to cause personal frustration. Others may or may not have your interest in mind. In fact, they may be driven to negatively impact you. It is impossible to know, and fruitless to allow another person to have that kind of influence on you.
I learned a valuable lesson this week. Anger isn’t helpful. Nor is ceding your emotions to others. I know I won’t be perfect in my quest to not get angry again, nor likely even to block out the noise from others, but I can try, and I will.
Moving forward, I intend to work very hard to not get mad when there is no value to me or the person, I am mad at; and maybe I will be disadvantaged occasionally when I don’t fight hard enough for what I believe. Maybe, but I bet this will lead to a more thoughtful way to engage with people and together the engagement can seek better outcomes.
I am not bitter nor mad at the guy who pushed me to lose my cool, I still don’t like him, but I am not mad. I guess I am indifferent to him and what he says. I am moving on from him and committed to focusing on brighter people and days.
And I am no longer drinking poison.
